tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2350869388571659382024-03-13T13:17:00.214-04:00 Crowns & ClayTonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-31070543350566679402014-09-12T09:58:00.002-04:002015-04-26T16:55:14.790-04:00Thoughts on Hosea <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The last four months have been a whirlwind. I have gone from the darkest valley to the highest peak and I stand amazed at the beauty of it, a beauty only God could orchestrate. I admit I mostly bought the Hosea study pack because it was pretty. That and because of one single verse I discovered a few months ago that piqued my curiosity about this strange and difficult book. Did God arrange for the artist chosen for this particular study to be "just my style"? Maybe. I believe in a God who delights in that sort of thing. God's timing is perfect and in falling love with the book of Hosea, I have learned a bit more of what it means to fall in love with Christ.<br />
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My life has been a constant ebb and flow of the cycles of depression and anxiety, loneliness and insecurity. I've loved Jesus since I was a child but I didn't realize I had no idea what it meant to be "in love" with him. And I had no concept of the depth of his love for me.<br />
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<i>"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,</i></div>
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<i>and bring her into the wilderness,</i></div>
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<i>and speak tenderly to her."</i></div>
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<i>Hosea 2:14</i></div>
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Last winter into spring found me wandering far into the wilderness, lost and confused but never alone. Even as I ran from God, I couldn't escape him. He was always there beside me speaking words of comfort and love, protecting me from myself. Little did I know, as the waves of pain and heartache thrashed and battered me, that God was drawing me back to him.<br />
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<i>I will heal their apostasy;</i></div>
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<i>I will love them freely,</i></div>
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<i>for my anger has turned away from them.</i></div>
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<i>Hosea 14:4</i></div>
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I don't recall how I even found this verse, only that God spoke powerfully to me that spring day as I read those beautiful words. Life-giving, freeing, healing words. When I finally stopped running and turned to face my God, I was stunned with his presence and glory at work in me. I tasted his love and forgiveness in those sweet words and discovered within me a hunger to know him more. Cue <a href="http://www.shereadstruth.com/" target="_blank">She Reads Truth</a> and the Hosea study.</div>
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I found <a href="http://www.shereadstruth.com/" target="_blank">She Reads Truth</a> through a blog you might be familiar with - <a href="http://jonesdesigncompany.com/" target="_blank">Jones Design Company</a>. In true Holy Spirit fashion, I was prompted to make an impromptu purchase that, little did I know, would change my view of God. I met God years ago but now, oh but now...</div>
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<i>"And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me husband...</i></div>
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<i>And <b>I will betroth you to me</b> forever.</i></div>
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<i><b>I will betroth you to me</b> in righteousness and in justice,</i></div>
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<i>in steadfast love and in mercy.</i></div>
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<i><b>I will betroth you to me</b> in faithfulness.</i></div>
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<i><b>And you shall know the Lord.</b></i></div>
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<i>And in that day I will answer, declares the Lord."</i></div>
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<i>Hosea 2:16,19-21 (highlights mine)</i><br />
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This study on the beautiful, perplexing book of Hosea introduced me to God as I've never known him. It has taken head knowledge and placed it into the deepest recesses of my heart, where I will ponder and cherish it forever. God brought me to She Reads Truth just as this study was getting ready to begin in perfect God-time, as only he can. He had things he wanted to say to me through his Word and he used the writers of this study to help me understand. </div>
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And in another step of perfect God-time, I could not be more excited about the next study entitled <a href="http://shereadstruth.com/2014/09/06/will-study-next/" target="_blank">"Open Your Bible"</a>. You see, the Women's Ministry at our small <a href="http://www.jerusalemchurch.net/" target="_blank">country church</a> is about to begin studying the new book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Women-Word-Study-Bible-Hearts/dp/1433541769/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_pap?ie=UTF8&qid=1410528155&sr=8-1&keywords=women+of+the+word" target="_blank">Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin</a>. The same theme popping up in my life at the same time. God is leading and speaking and guiding me, and I am finally ready to listen and to learn. I am hungry for as much of God as my earthly-self can take and I look forward to seeing what God wants to teach me next.</div>
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Just one final treasure from this painfully beautiful book...<br />
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<i>"How can I give you up...?</i></div>
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<i>How can I hand you over...?</i></div>
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<i>My heart recoils within me;</i></div>
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<i>my compassion grows warm and tender."</i></div>
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<i>Hosea 11:8</i></div>
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Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-86890826339372817522014-05-31T09:10:00.000-04:002014-05-31T09:10:04.245-04:00Crashing Waves and New Life<h1 style="-webkit-transform: translate3d(0px, 0px, 0px); border: 0px; margin: 0px 0px 4px; outline: 0px; padding: 16px 0px 0px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">“Sometimes the crashing waves don’t wash you away, but wash you alive.” - Ann Voskamp</span></span></h1>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">These last months the waves have left me battered and beaten against the rocks of heartache and sin and self-hatred, threatening to drown me again and again. And drown me they very nearly did. But I am typing these words as I stand safely on the sandy shore watching the sun rise on my life.</span></div>
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<i><b>He reached down from on high and took hold of me;</b></i></div>
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<i><b>he drew me out of deep waters.</b></i></div>
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<i><b>-Psalm 18:16</b></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The waves threatened to engulf me. But as I sputtered and wailed through the crashing pain he reached down and held me tight. When I could not get the air to breath, he filled me with the breath of his Holy Spirit. The crashing, battering waves broke me. Broke me and washed me all clean of the lies that have clung to me for as long as I have memories, living water washing away the sticky mud of my doubting sin nature.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Watching the sun rise is a beautiful thing, a gift from God to be savored. Before this winter storm of my life much of me was dead. I had no hope. But like the gardener who trims the seemingly dead vine down to the ground in order to bring about new growth, God has pruned me back and the new shoots of hope are pushing upward toward the sun. Fresh excitement bubbles like a spring deep within me and I see the buds of my dreams beginning to form as I am bathed in the warm sun and nourishing, gentle spring rain of God's love. I have been washed alive.</span></div>
Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-3464040118972806712014-01-28T21:17:00.002-05:002014-05-31T09:28:45.978-04:00Conditional HealingI go through the same scenario again and again in my life. In the midst of the mud of the depression part of my bipolar cycles I cry out to God in desperation and throw myself at his feet. He hears me. Of course he always hears me and he always loves me. He pulls me close and pulls me up to stand again in joy and gratitude and avalanche of certainty that I will keep close to his side so I don't ever have to go through this again. I'm sure you know where this is going.<br />
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This particular episode was the perfect storm. I stopped my estrogen therapy three months before and all seemed mostly well as I began to navigate menopause (I had a complete hysterectomy five years ago). Then we got a puppy. Not just any puppy, but a Goldendoodle. Her name is Misha and she is a curly little sweetheart. A sweetheart who can jump over baby gates and reach things on the counter (at four months old) and has energy to go and go and go (and occasionally she goes on the carpet). And have you seen the weather lately? Loads of fun trying to channel her energy in our cozy house when it's -2 degrees out.<br />
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None of that is the problem though. The problem is that I just stopped. Stopped reading my Bible. Stopped (mostly) praying. Stopped leaning into my God, my Healer, my Strength. Satan is never one to waste a good opportunity, but what about me? I believe the lies. I always believe the lies.<br />
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I'm not good enough for...whatever. I am a failure at this and that and everything. Without layers of makeup and five different hair products I would not be fit to be seen in public. I've let (fill-in-the-blank) down. Again.<br />
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I always believe the lies.<br />
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I fell hard this time. I don't remember when I felt so broken and empty. All I wanted to do was run. Run as fast and as far from his love as I could because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve Him. But something was different this time. Even at the lowest point I could distinctly feel his hand on me, the way a parent grabs hold of a child about to run into the street, holding me in his firm grip. Keeping me safe. I felt him, Him, clear as could be and He was not letting me go. I wanted to run but he wasn't going to let me.<br />
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In November 2012 God told me to stop praying for help to endure and instead pray for healing. Six months later I was able to go off my bipolar meds and I was completely released from treatment soon after. He healed me. So how could I fall so far so fast if I was healed? I realized today that my healing is conditional. Conditional on my staying close to the Healer. As long as I keep close to Him I am healed, but when I allow myself to wander away from his love, his protection...well, that's a different story. I brought this on myself by being careless with my soul. I let down my guard and listened to the lies.<br />
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I'd like to think I've learned my lesson, and maybe I finally have. I'm sure I will continue to make mistakes but he who promised is faithful even when I am not, and he will finish what he started in me. That is the hope I am clinging to tonight as I rest in Him.<br />
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Some of my favorite Bible verses are found in the book of Isaiah. As I hid in my pain in recent weeks these words were my greatest comfort.<br />
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<i>"Fear not for I have redeemed you;</i></div>
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<i>I have summoned you by name; <b>you are mine</b>.</i></div>
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<i>When you pass through the waters,</i></div>
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<i>I will be with you;</i></div>
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<i>and when you pass through the rivers,</i></div>
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<i>they will not sweep over you.</i></div>
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<i>When you walk through the fire,</i></div>
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<i>you will not be burned;</i></div>
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<i>the flames will not set you ablaze;</i></div>
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<i>For I am the Lord, your God,</i></div>
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<i>the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."</i></div>
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<i>Isaiah 43:1b-3a NIV (bold mine)</i></div>
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I am His. There is nothing more to say.</div>
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-22551704942160637492013-04-28T21:17:00.000-04:002013-04-28T21:17:28.093-04:00Believing GodLeaving my comfort zone is a curious thing. One minute I stand in awe of the beauty of promise and possibility, brimming with the excitement of coming alive. In the very next moment it takes all I've got not to turn and run. Fast. As far as I possibly can. <br />
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When I signed up to attend In(RL) my thinking was, being cluelessly called to women's ministry, that it would be helpful to get to know some ladies who've gone ahead of me. Rub shoulders a bit and maybe I could learn something from these women with more experience than I. God had other ideas.<br />
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Instead I crashed head-on into my fears and insecurities. Smacked me upside the head and sent me into a tailspin like I haven't experienced in years. Now, before I go further let me say that on the off-chance that any of the sweet ladies who attended In(RL) with me happen to read this, this has nothing to do with you! Everyone was warm and gracious and I'm so sorry I let my insecurities get the best of me. Again. Moving on.<br />
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I'm not going to get into all the nitty-gritty details of what made me this way. Let's just say that I do not remember a time in my life where I felt good enough. I have no traumatic experiences to pull out of my hat to explain my insecurities, no childhood abuse or devastating loss. Yet I have an inferiority complex like nobody's business and I've been rocking that thing since kindergarten. Yes, I remember feeling this way as early as kindergarten. I don't remember too much before that.<br />
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I'm going to stop right there and say, God is doing amazing things in my life. He has been present in ways I have never known before, even back when I spent a summer in missions and thought I could not feel closer to Him. He has been lifting me out of the muck and mire and showering me clean with his love. I am finally beginning to understand what it means to believe the Bible, to believe God.<br />
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But it's a process. Yesterday reminded me of that. I left the gathering shaken to the core from the full force of coming face to face with my fears. I realized God did not send me there to learn about women's ministry but to learn about me. We need to face our fears in order to kick them to the curb and more than likely they'll need to be kicked to the curb more than once. <br />
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It's a beautiful thing to hear the voice of God saying I am not that girl. There is freedom and joy and utter, absolute peace in feeling God's hand on my shoulder. That is what makes it possible for me to face the fear and insecurity and fight another day. It makes it possible for me to take that next step out of my comfort zone, and the next, and the next. It makes it possible for me to believe what God says about me. To believe God...what a beautiful thing.<br />
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<span style="color: #76a5af;"><em>"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;</em></span></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">I have summoned you by name;</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;"><strong>you are mine</strong>.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">When you pass through the waters,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">I will be with you;</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">and when you pass through the rivers,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">they will not sweep you away.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">When you walk through the fire,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">you will not be burned;</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">the flames will not set you ablaze.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">For I am the Lord your God,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #76a5af;">Isaiah 43:1-3</span></em></div>
Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-75699252547261713302013-04-05T23:19:00.000-04:002013-04-05T23:21:21.792-04:00Stumblin' AlongI was reading over a few of the blog posts I've written so far and something jumped out at me. Apparently I like to use the word "stumbled" when referring to a Bible verse. As in, "I stumbled across this today..." That struck me as funny because, you see, I happen to be rather clumsy. <br />
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At any given time I can usually find at least one bruise that I cannot remember where it came from and I'm currently sporting matching brush burns on my knees from tripping on the steps and landing hard in the foyer square on my knees. Amazingly, no blood was involved but the can of Cherry Coke I hurled across the hard floor looked pretty battered. <br />
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I believe God values our little, seemingly insignificant prayers and so I'm sure he was enjoying my gushes of thanks that the soda can was intact and not gushing itself all over my floor...and walls and front door and carpeted stairs. You get the picture. My knees (and big toe - go figure) hurt ALOT but nothing would have brought me to tears quicker than a busted soda can. I may or may not have cried when I exploded a can of soda in the freezer a few years ago. <br />
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Let me give you a word of advice. If you ever decide to stick your favorite carbonated beverage in the freezer for a quickie cool down...don't forget it's there. You will regret the decision and I guarantee you won't do that again. Unless you like to live dangerously. Then, for the love of all that is frozen, please set a timer to remind you it's in there. Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-9781961581220626292013-03-27T11:41:00.000-04:002013-03-27T11:42:31.224-04:00But what can I do?The sun is shining today. Snowflake (the cat) is snoring softly on the back of the sofa. The house is quiet and peaceful. I have so much to be grateful for.<br />
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I had the chance to have lunch with my former boss and coworkers last week and my boss's daughter joined us. She shared about her years living in a Los Angeles neighborhood where you did not leave the house after dark. Unless there was a problem at a nearby university, you would not see a police officer. She lived in an area under gang rule. What got me were the children, so many of which believe they have no alternative for survival but to join the gangs.<br />
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I did not ask or do anything to deserve to be born here. Neither did my son. It is humbling to recognize all we have and know that we are no more important than any of those children, yet here we are, safe in this beautiful rural community. <br />
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Yesterday I stumbled upon these verses found in the book of Isaiah 58:9-11.<br />
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">with the pointing finger and malicious talk,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">and if you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">then your light will rise in the darkness,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">and your night will become like the noonday.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">The Lord will guide you always;</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">and will strengthen your frame.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">You will be like a well-watered garden,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #134f5c;">like a spring whose waters never fail."</span></em></div>
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When I think about it all, the suffering and sorrow of the innocent children, it overwhelms me, but Mother Teresa had a little something to say about that: <em>"Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you." </em>What a great thought to remember. </div>
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I may not be able to save neighborhoods from the cycle of poverty and violence but I can take the neighborhood children to bible school. I can spend some of my grocery money on items for the local food bank. I can sponsor a child through Compassion or World Vision. There are countless little things I can do that seem to make no difference in the world but may make all the difference in the lives of an individual. That is what we are called to do. That and to stop and say Thank You for all of our blessings.</div>
Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-68714016275923731612013-03-22T10:39:00.001-04:002013-03-22T10:39:44.221-04:00The Promises of God<div align="center">
<strong><em><span style="color: #134f5c;">Forget the former things;</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #134f5c;">do not dwell on the past.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #134f5c;">See, I am doing a new thing!</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #134f5c;">Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #134f5c;">I am making a way in the desert</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #134f5c;">and streams in the wasteland.</span></em></strong></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c;"><strong><em>(Isaiah 43:18-19)</em></strong></span></div>
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I'm not quite sure how I've been a Christian for most of my life, raised in the church, attending a Mennonite school for the first 8 years of my education, and somehow managed to be so oblivious to the sheer volume of loving promises found in the Bible. </div>
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You could always find at least one of those little Bible Promise books scattered around my house. My Mennonite education led to a respectable knowledge of Bible trivia. I've never read through the entire Bible, but I do read the Bible. And yet it all seems new. </div>
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As I've searched for Him in the midst of my emotional healing he has been faithful. I have been overwhelmed with his presence and he has been patient with me, showing me just as much of his glory as I can take. Thanks to my handy yellow highlighter, my Bible is flashing more of God's comfort and tender love with each turn of the page. </div>
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It is so exciting when something that I found years ago jumps out at the most opportune time. That is the Holy Spirit's specialty, speaking just what we need when we need it. The above verse is an example of that. I am so terribly hard on myself (aren't most women?). God has been making himself known to me in new and wonderful ways yet there are days when I am convinced I will never be good enough. I forget that I never can be good enough, not without Christ. He is doing wonderful things in my life and only when I keep my eyes focused on him will I be able to overcome. </div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #0c343d;">Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #0c343d;">the old has gone, the new has come!</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #0c343d;">(1 Corinthians 5:17)</span></em></strong></div>
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Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-42750372012681959942012-05-01T08:44:00.004-04:002012-05-01T08:44:34.210-04:00Day One of the 21 Days of Prayer Challenge<div align="center">
<em>"All it takes to lose the truth of the Word of God is one set of parents who fail to teach it. And the result can be generations of men who don't know and fear the Lord."</em></div>
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<em>(excerpt from Brooke L. McGlothlin's book "Warriar Prayers")</em></div>
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Today is the first day of the 21 Days of Prayer Challenge over at the <a href="http://www.themobsociety.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">MOB Society</a>. I only recently discovered the encouraging website so this is the first year I will participate and I am very excited! All it takes to join us boy mommas is hop on over to their site, purchase the <a href="http://www.themobsociety.com/warrior-prayers/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">book</a> (only $3.99), and pray. </div>
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For day one, Brooke discusses the story of Eli. We all know Eli as the priest who helped Samuel learn to hear the Word of the Lord, but how many of us ever caught the rest of Eli's story? </div>
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<em>"Now the sonsof Eli were worthless men. They did not know the Lord." 1 Samuel 2:12</em></div>
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I found this very interesting. Not one of us can take the responsibility of properly training our little warriors lightly. That is what this challenge is about. Throwing ourselves at the feet of a merciful God and standing in the gap for our sons. </div>
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As the quote above speaks so clearly, we are only one generation away from losing the truth of the Word of God. If you are Momma to a boy, won't you join me?</div>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-82570116602716610312012-02-24T10:57:00.000-05:002012-02-24T10:57:45.093-05:00LentIn the past, Lent is not something I gave a whole lot of thought to. I grew up in a denomination that did not focus on Lent and while I occasionally gave something up, I never fully embraced the opportunity Lent presents to draw closer to God. <br />
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<div align="center"><em>"Draw near to God</em></div><div align="center"><em>and he will draw near to you."</em></div><div align="center"><em>James 4:8</em></div><div align="center"><em></em> </div>In recent months He has been drawing me closer into his healing embrace. I wrote recently on drawing near to God and it continues to be on the forefront of my thoughts this Lenten season. That is why I chose to throw myself unabashedly into this thing called Lent and into the arms of my Father and give up something I depend on each and every day...caffeine. <br />
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I am on day three without my BFF caffeine and this is the first day I can think coherently enough to write something. I wasn't much fun the last couple of days (just ask my dear son), but this morning I awoke feeling clear-headed and headache free. <br />
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As the days draw us nearer to Easter and I continue to draw nearer to God, it is my hope and prayer that He will change me. I've felt stuck for so long, trapped in bouts of physical pain and cycles of depression. It's been three years since my hysterectomy set me free from the physical pain but the ongoing emotional struggles continue to hold me back. I've made so much progress but I cannot do it alone. It is only in throwing myself into His arms that I've begun to find healing.<br />
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In this time of Lent as I continue to lean into Him, I hope to move past the things that grip me and into the life He has for me. I'm ready to let go of who I've been and step out in faith. <br />
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<div align="center"><em>Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.</em></div><div align="center"><em>Philippians 3:12-14</em></div><div align="center"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead. What a beautiful thought to carry with me this Lenten season as I draw closer to my Lord. I was not created to live in bondage but to live in Christ. God is bigger than my bipolar and He created me for more. I will always need to be proactive in managing my emotions but I'm ready to move past being controlled by them. That is why I am giving up caffeine for Lent. In fact, I just may be giving up caffeine for life.</div>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-86364514885517076472012-02-16T11:42:00.000-05:002012-02-16T11:42:18.039-05:00PurityLately when Kelly has an evening meeting I've been trying to make a habit of turning off the TV and soaking up the quiet but last night I kept the TV on. Now, it's no news that the comedy selections available do not rate too high on the moral compass and last night was no different. But it was pretty funny, so...I watched it anyway. And I laughed. A lot.<br />
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I happen to be the mother of a boy with an unusual quality in that he tries very hard to avoid exposing himself to anything inappropriate. I've always stressed that he should be very careful what he puts into his mind because once it's there he can never get it out and my cautious son has taken it to heart in a very literal way. I am so thankful for that, even when he turns it around and shines a light into my own heart. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWk3RPsg4d5SkcS8jl29Ix8wQh0QbVTVa9Fwq9MVsgC33Fd0-DwFBvDqoXWa2m7-by0-oWiq_1xAlAbCMhmT1CJajpREGdQk0YnsiXYQ1u721y_fYtflSsN3bnQ2wn8-_7CI9h4nPn8T4/s1600/Isaac+291.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWk3RPsg4d5SkcS8jl29Ix8wQh0QbVTVa9Fwq9MVsgC33Fd0-DwFBvDqoXWa2m7-by0-oWiq_1xAlAbCMhmT1CJajpREGdQk0YnsiXYQ1u721y_fYtflSsN3bnQ2wn8-_7CI9h4nPn8T4/s320/Isaac+291.jpg" width="229" yda="true" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Since Isaac is not a great sleeper and it frequently takes him a looong time to fall asleep, last night he caught me. He's seen the previews and heard me comment that he should NEVER watch that show. He informed me in no uncertain terms that watching this particular show was inappropriate for me as well and he doesn't want to catch me doing it again. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">It struck me as funny, this child of mine scolding me, taking the role of parent. But he was right. There are some things that may be okay for me as an adult that he may not be ready for but if I'm honest with myself, there are many things that aren't good for any of us regardless of age. Just because it's funny and I needed a good laugh does not justify it. I thanked him for reminding me of that. </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTj_O18Um-4ZmLJ-g0hdHexslB70w1HvnIG63xA6I10bAqtgw2jlx9nMvitJ4aQBNDXm7rAQPvRdy5DE9ghRRT1PvynBsnR7qr4tfwk-KsJFdbH6gx9CC4e3kQZ8R6Bt87VmYkR0BZ9w8/s1600/Isaac+290b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTj_O18Um-4ZmLJ-g0hdHexslB70w1HvnIG63xA6I10bAqtgw2jlx9nMvitJ4aQBNDXm7rAQPvRdy5DE9ghRRT1PvynBsnR7qr4tfwk-KsJFdbH6gx9CC4e3kQZ8R6Bt87VmYkR0BZ9w8/s320/Isaac+290b.jpg" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">Ephesians 5:4 has this to say on the matter - </div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes--</em></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>these are not for you.</em></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><em>Instead, let there be thankfulness to God.</em></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;">I guess it doesn't get any clearer than that!</div>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-79364047081226357142012-02-13T22:09:00.002-05:002012-02-14T08:03:24.666-05:00How we met...The wedding of my friend was in January, the January after I graduated high school. I couldn't go to the rehearsal because I still worked at the restaurant and Friday evenings were difficult to get out of, but no matter since my role as guest registrar would not be too difficult. I could not have known the path I was about to cross.<br />
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Saturday morning dawned white with snow. I breathed a prayer of thanks that I had invited a dear childhood friend to accompany me, for he had a truck and he knew how to drive it. I had a car, and when roads were white with snow I did not know how to drive it. <br />
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I was shown to my spot and introductions were made. Two ushers, one a peculiar stranger, uncomfortably friendly. The other one, the quiet one, with dark hair and dark eyes holding a hint of familiarity, although we had never met before that day.<br />
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After the wedding I made small talk with my childhood friend and chatted with my former classmates and searched out the gaze of his dark eyes. I barely knew his name but when our eyes would meet again and again, I knew him.<br />
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At home, my father glanced at the wedding program and asked me if I'd met him. My father knew him? Yes, he'd coached my little sister in the BB gun league and she also knew him. My heart sped. <br />
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Soon after, I talked with a close friend and I told her I had met the man I was going to love. The man I was going to marry. I knew it when I looked into his familiar eyes again and again that wedding day.<br />
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Spring came, followed quickly and slowly by summer. On vacation with my family in July, the short walk to the beach took me right by the fire station. I knew he was a volunteer fireman, I knew he designed firetrucks for his job, and I knew little else. I had not seen him and I'd thought of him every day since that day in January. I knew with absolute certainty that one of two things was true. I was either going to marry that elusive, dark-eyed, almost stranger, or I was losing my mind. I hoped and prayed it was the former; I was afraid it was the latter.<br />
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As summer was coming to a close I found myself still working at the restaurant and still thinking of him. One evening as I sliced pies and tossed salads, I thought about my life. I was tired of waiting around for what may never be. I decided then and there that I was done pining for my non-existent boyfriend. If he ever showed up, well that would be fantastic, but in the meantime I intended to enjoy this freedom that comes with independence while it lasted. I stayed long after my shift ended talking with my work-mom, all the while completely oblivious to the end of my freedom and the beginning of my future. <br />
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Eventually my boss turned the corner and told me I had a phone call. It was my father inquiring as to when I would be home. He went on to say someone had called for me and would soon be calling back. That I should hurry home. That I would not want to miss his call a second time. <br />
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I didn't miss his call and I wasn't losing my mind. In September we'll be married 15 years and this past month marked 19 years since I first looked into his familiar dark eyes. Half my life with the one who feels like home. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJx14256ASOJpGqQ2vQupw0mP4XSgAPcil4EhNRD0qE3vj7LRqTpPt2wNKh8PUDBZUXc3bvdSzCqCLsxMd_lfG1lwqGCnk8iluZZQxcvvk21aYrYoGcGOv_2wZXq0zCQ2mI3AbLvU725k/s1600/bushy+2004+007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJx14256ASOJpGqQ2vQupw0mP4XSgAPcil4EhNRD0qE3vj7LRqTpPt2wNKh8PUDBZUXc3bvdSzCqCLsxMd_lfG1lwqGCnk8iluZZQxcvvk21aYrYoGcGOv_2wZXq0zCQ2mI3AbLvU725k/s320/bushy+2004+007.jpg" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart.Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-47601762811778765922012-01-28T10:31:00.000-05:002012-01-28T10:31:38.703-05:00drawing near...I am discouraged. Frustrated with myself. Frustrated with my thorns. I am very thankful that I do not have cancer but I am still left to deal with my list of inconvenient health issues, a list that seems to grow with each passing year. <br />
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I think about those dreams buried deep in the recesses of my soul. I will be 38 in three months and I genuinely believed I would have made some progress on them in all those years of life I've lived. I feel frustrated, broken, weak.<br />
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I blame my health. If my hormones weren't a complete mess. If I had not inherited my mother's bad back. If I did not have to deal with bipolar. If only...<br />
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I blame my husband. If he weren't so stubborn. If he would communicate more. If he would...<br />
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I spend an evening with a dear woman who has never been anything but a true and kind friend to me and I leave feeling discouraged. I am horrified by the feelings of envy and discontent that claw at my soul. <br />
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<div align="center"><em>"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:</em></div><div align="center"><em>While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."</em></div><div align="center"><em>Romans 5:8</em></div><div align="center"></div><div align="left">While were still sinners. These are comforting words to me as I examine the ugliness found within. Deep down I know that I am the one to let myself down. I am to blame for what I am missing out on. I am the one who has not been willing to do the hard work my dreams demand. </div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left">I struggle to change myself when I should be letting God change me. As I sit on my seat next to auctioneer tonight, lost in the rhythm of his cadence and my fingers typing on the keys of the computer in front of me, some words are breathed into my soul. </div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="center"><em>"Draw near to God</em></div><div align="center"><em>and he will draw near to you."</em></div><div align="center"><em>James 4:8</em></div><div align="center"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Draw near to God. I can't get those words out of my mind. And he will draw near to you. I meditate on this as the auction rhythm flows on. I think about my futile efforts to turn the momentum of my life and I see that I've been trying to do it myself. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I realize I need to build a stronger foundation. I need to take some time to focus on drawing closer to God and soaking myself in his Word. I long to peel back the unnecessary distractions and give myself the mental space to write. I must lean on His strength as I practice the art of self-discipline. "Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you," he whispers to my soul. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">So many failures and so much grace. As I prepare my body for a much-needed night of rest, I prepare my soul to rest in Him. To draw near.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>and I will give you rest.</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>for I am humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>Matthew 11:28-30</em></div>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-33875768305310667032012-01-27T22:23:00.000-05:002012-01-27T22:23:20.070-05:00<em>-originally written on 9/16/11 and not published because? I have no idea...</em><br />
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The temperature outside this morning was 46 degrees. Yesterday as the cold front was moving in we had rain followed by cloudy skies for the rest of the day. Those beautiful deep gray textured skies that, when contrasted with the lush, nourished fields make my heart sing. Many of my closest friends and family are mourning the end of summer and the heat that goes with it, but not I. <br />
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I am happily pulling my sweaters out of hibernation. I am relishing the silence of a house without fans and air contitioners running. I am soaking up the cool, fresh air outside. And I am snuggling under my blankets to sleep more peacefully. I am happy.<br />
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Fall has long been my favorite time of year. I don't enjoy the heat of summer, for one thing. Baking in the hot sun is a sure-fire recipe for a headache and I can't sleep when I'm hot. Spring is nice but fall does not bring with it the overwhelming itching and sneezing that interferes with my life from April through July. As for winter, I enjoy snow days when I can stay home, play some nice music, and bake something. Other than that, not so much.<br />
Fall is perfect. The deep blue skies are beautiful, often featuring big, puffy clouds floating lazily. It's the time of year when nature puts my favorite colors on display. Along with the blue of the skies, the gold of the corn, the green of the fields, and the brilliance of the fall leaves give my eyes much to feast on. Is it a coincidence that I happen to look best in fall colors? I don't think so. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggpudaU2mo9cyMqOQ9lVpyiPVTL5gUIsTCiTSzjMMVV6ZTYlcy62s0Nhyphenhyphen3KOAJd2iQ7eKJsKNj_UOkdQPvbSFBDiVBkJzetDTHlJZ_z_r_9hjlhCA_FQGG7pJHSbn7DG4shg6LawXRwPg/s1600/cabinoct08+073.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" rba="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggpudaU2mo9cyMqOQ9lVpyiPVTL5gUIsTCiTSzjMMVV6ZTYlcy62s0Nhyphenhyphen3KOAJd2iQ7eKJsKNj_UOkdQPvbSFBDiVBkJzetDTHlJZ_z_r_9hjlhCA_FQGG7pJHSbn7DG4shg6LawXRwPg/s320/cabinoct08+073.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div align="center"><em>(photo taken fall 2008)</em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>My two favorite people in their matching camo sweatshirts, </em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>my little one so proud to be like his Daddy.</em> </div>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-66076670875280267672011-08-16T22:24:00.000-04:002011-08-16T22:24:53.573-04:00WaitingI had myself psyched up for my biopsy today. I was going to let them stick me with a needle and poke around as much as they like and in return they would tell me if I have cancer. And I was counting on having an answer by Friday. We're heading for the hills, you see, and if I'm facing cancer nothing would be more helpful than an entire weekend with my family. <br />
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When I called the surgeon's office last week and told them I need to schedule a biopsy they said, okay, and offered me today at 11:00am. They forgot to mention, however, that today was only a consultation. It does make sense to start with that but I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't sink when the nurse told me there would be no needles prodding my neck today. More waiting.<br />
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I like the doctor I met with today. He had gentle blue eyes and his credentials include some fancy sounding European schools. He was kind and knowledgeable. And he loves Jesus. It is comforting to me to know that the man who will poke me with needles and may eventually slice open my neck (sorry for the graphic) understands the most important thing. <br />
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I suppose I should explain my little problem. At my yearly lady exam in July my beloved Dr. K could distinctly feel my thyroid, which apparently is a problem. An ultrasound, some blood work, a family doctor visit containing the words "highly suspicious", a surgical consultation, and here I am. Waiting.<br />
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Just a bit about the wonderful Dr. K -- I can't tell you his full name because I don't want to share. He's very popular and it takes far too long to get an appointment with him because he is, well, he's wonderful. I suffered from endometriosis from the age of 14 until I met him in my early thirties and had my hysterectomy at the tender age of 34. Sometime I'll have to tell you about that. So I jokingly refer to him as my hero, except that I'm not joking.<br />
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Back to the point of this post. The doctor today gave me two choices. Choice #1 is a simple and easy biopsy. Simple and easy sounds great. I'll take it! Hold on -- it's not quite that simple, though it is still easy. The doctor, who I'd have to say is the expert of the two of us, explained that there is very little difference in the appearance of healthy cells and cancer cells, making it difficult for the pathologist to be sure. <br />
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So we come to choice #2. Surgery. He removes the entire thyroid since I have 4 nodules, two on each side. That doesn't sound so bad. I have a 6 inch scar just above my bikini line (oh the irony, as if I have any hope of ever wearing a bikini) to prove that I've been through worse and lived to tell about it. Except there's risk, of course. I don't know much about what is considered high risk but he seemed to feel that 1 in 100 would qualify. There's the risk of damage to all 4 of my parathyroid glands, requiring extremely high doses of calcium and vitamin D for the rest of my life. And there's the risk of vocal chord damage resulting in a hoarse voice, again for the rest of my life. What a shame it would be to deny my adorers the joy of my melodic voice. Did you just snicker? Oh, sorry, that was me. <br />
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There was some good news today. I did not know that thyroid cancer is extremely slow-growing so if the news is bad, it's still sorta good since I have plenty of time to deal with it. I mean, for my doctors to deal with it. Or for the psychologist to help my son deal with it. Of course, the Lord could return and spare us all from dealing with it. Have you seen the news lately? Hmmm, that last one sounds more plausible all the time. But I'll spare you that whole soapbox. For today.<br />
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So now I have a choice to make. That means I get to do more of my favorite thing...thinking. Too bad not all thinking is created equal. Some things are just not that fun to think about and this would be one of those things. I'm going to go to the cabin with my boys (fun), send my son back to school (not fun), and spend a week at the beach (fun again). Maybe I'll squeeze some thinkin' time in there somewhere and see where it leads me. Fortunately, my thinking time is intertwined with my praying time and my praying time is what will guide me out of this. That reminds me of a very special verse I stumbled across a few months back.<br />
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<strong><em>I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>-Psalm 32:8</em></strong><br />
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So what that verse is saying is, the God of heaven who created this...<br />
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...will instruct me and teach me and counsel me and watch over me. And you. <br />
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Now, what was that I was afraid of? Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-235086938857165938.post-70572424063847915012011-08-16T20:44:00.000-04:002011-08-16T20:44:13.071-04:00BeginningsI set up this blog two months ago. I've had the desire to blog for several years. But every time I get ready to start I freeze up and decide maybe sharing myself with the world is not such a good idea. <br />
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I'm a thinker. Nothing recharges me like time alone in my home with no noise but some occasional praise music. It would seem that since I like to think about things, I wouldn't have the tendency to speak without thinking. But I do. And that is the one big thing that has been holding me back from writing on this blog. I mean well but words don't always come out sounding the way I'm thinking and that concerns me. <br />
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I'm a feeler. I just know instinctivly what I believe but I have difficulty articulating it in a way that makes sense to anyone else. I feel things very deeply and that can be hard to express. <br />
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I'm a believer. I've experienced the redeeming love of Christ and his restoring power. I am acutely aware of my shortcomings but I am slowly becoming increasingly confident of who I am in Him. I am the broken clay vessel and my Heavenly Father has placed a crown upon my head. <br />
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I've long been wanting to begin writing and something is prompting me to finally start. Hearing the doctor speak the words "highly suspicious" put things into clearer focus for me. I worry about writing for an audience but I should be writing for myself and my family, my son in particular. If anyone else happens to stumble onto this blog and choose to stick around for a bit then all the better. <br />
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Over the last few years I've bounced several ideas for blogs around in my mind before finally settling on this title. It seems to best express who I am and where I've been. I am not valuable because of who I am but because of who He is. I have one of those personalized necklaces that are so popular right now. It has a charm with my son's initial, a charm with my husband's and my initials, and a charm with a Bible verse on it. <br />
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<strong><em>The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him. -Lamentations 3:25</em></strong><br />
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I've decided that I'm not going to worry about my lack of grammatical knowledge or my tendency to ramble on or bounce around randomly. That is the way I think, after all. I'm just going to write what's on my mind and in my heart and put it out there. My prayer is that God will take my imperfect words and use them for His glory, whether that means blessing me through the creative release of writing or blessing anyone who may choose to read my words. I don't feel "good enough" to write publically. There, I've said it. But the beauty of knowing who I am in Christ is that I don't have to be good enough. In fact, I never will be good enough and neither will anyone else. But He is and He loves me. And you. And that is enough. <br />
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I hope you have a wonderful day. I certainly am. My day-long headache from yesterday is gone. It's 72 degrees and cloudy with a gentle, cool breeze floating through my open windows. A bit about me -- I love cloudy, rainy days -- I'm strange that way (don't worry - I also love sunny days). I'm meeting some friends for lunch at Cafe Chocolate (the name says it all). I'll wrap things up by taking my son and his best friend swimming at a wonderful indoor pool near our home. I'm going to enjoy every moment of this day and tomorrow I'll go for my biopsy and await the results. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll know what the coming months hold but for now I'll rest safely in His arms. Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06355564640546031642noreply@blogger.com0