16 August 2011


I had myself psyched up for my biopsy today.  I was going to let them stick me with a needle and poke around as much as they like and in return they would tell me if I have cancer.  And I was counting on having an answer by Friday.  We're heading for the hills, you see, and if I'm facing cancer nothing would be more helpful than an entire weekend with my family. 

When I called the surgeon's office last week and told them I need to schedule a biopsy they said, okay, and offered me today at 11:00am.  They forgot to mention, however, that today was only a consultation.  It does make sense to start with that but I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't sink when the nurse told me there would be no needles prodding my neck today.  More waiting.

I like the doctor I met with today.  He had gentle blue eyes and his credentials include some fancy sounding European schools.  He was kind and knowledgeable.  And he loves Jesus.  It is comforting to me to know that the man who will poke me with needles and may eventually slice open my neck (sorry for the graphic) understands the most important thing. 

I suppose I should explain my little problem.  At my yearly lady exam in July my beloved Dr. K could distinctly feel my thyroid, which apparently is a problem.  An ultrasound, some blood work, a family doctor visit containing the words "highly suspicious", a surgical consultation, and here I am.  Waiting.

Just a bit about the wonderful Dr. K -- I can't tell you his full name because I don't want to share.  He's very popular and it takes far too long to get an appointment with him because he is, well,  he's wonderful.  I suffered from endometriosis from the age of 14 until I met him in my early thirties and had my hysterectomy at the tender age of 34.  Sometime I'll have to tell you about that.  So I jokingly refer to him as my hero, except that I'm not joking.

Back to the point of this post.  The doctor today gave me two choices.  Choice #1 is a simple and easy biopsy.  Simple and easy sounds great.  I'll take it!  Hold on -- it's not quite that simple, though it is still easy.  The doctor, who I'd have to say is the expert of the two of us, explained that there is very little difference in the appearance of healthy cells and cancer cells, making it difficult for the pathologist to be sure. 

So we come to choice #2.  Surgery.  He removes the entire thyroid since I have 4 nodules, two on each side.  That doesn't sound so bad.  I have a 6 inch scar just above my bikini line (oh the irony, as if I have any hope of ever wearing a bikini) to prove that I've been through worse and lived to tell about it.   Except there's risk, of course.  I don't know much about what is considered high risk but he seemed to feel that 1 in 100 would qualify.  There's the risk of damage to all 4 of my parathyroid glands, requiring extremely high doses of calcium and vitamin D for the rest of my life.  And there's the risk of vocal chord damage resulting in a hoarse voice, again for the rest of my life.  What a shame it would be to deny my adorers the joy of my melodic voice.  Did you just snicker?  Oh, sorry, that was me. 

There was some good news today.  I did not know that thyroid cancer is extremely slow-growing so if the news is bad, it's still sorta good since I have plenty of time to deal with it.  I mean, for my doctors to deal with it.  Or for the psychologist to help my son deal with it.  Of course, the Lord could return and spare us all from dealing with it.  Have you seen the news lately?  Hmmm, that last one sounds more plausible all the time.  But I'll spare you that whole soapbox.  For today.

So now I have a choice to make.  That means I get to do more of my favorite thing...thinking.  Too bad not all thinking is created equal.  Some things are just not that fun to think about and this would be one of those things.  I'm going to go to the cabin with my boys (fun), send my son back to school (not fun), and spend a week at the beach (fun again).  Maybe I'll squeeze some thinkin' time in there somewhere and see where it leads me.  Fortunately, my thinking time is intertwined with my praying time and my praying time is what will guide me out of this.  That reminds me of a very special verse I stumbled across a few months back.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
-Psalm 32:8

So what that verse is saying is, the God of heaven who created this...

...will instruct me and teach me and counsel me and watch over me.  And you. 

Now, what was that I was afraid of? 


I set up this blog two months ago.  I've had the desire to blog for several years.  But every time I get ready to start I freeze up and decide maybe sharing myself with the world is not such a good idea. 

I'm a thinker.  Nothing recharges me like time alone in my home with no noise but some occasional praise music.  It would seem that since I like to think about things, I wouldn't have the tendency to speak without thinking.  But I do.  And that is the one big thing that has been holding me back from writing on this blog.  I mean well but words don't always come out sounding the way I'm thinking and that concerns me. 

I'm a feeler.  I just know instinctivly what I believe but I have difficulty articulating it in a way that makes sense to anyone else.  I feel things very deeply and that can be hard to express. 

I'm a believer.  I've experienced the redeeming love of Christ and his restoring power.  I am acutely aware of my shortcomings but I am slowly becoming increasingly confident of who I am in Him.  I am the broken clay vessel and my Heavenly Father has placed a crown upon my head. 

I've long been wanting to begin writing and something is prompting me to finally start.  Hearing the doctor speak the words "highly suspicious" put things into clearer focus for me.  I worry about writing for an audience but I should be writing for myself and my family, my son in particular.  If anyone else happens to stumble onto this blog and choose to stick around for a bit then all the better. 

Over the last few years I've bounced several ideas for blogs around in my mind before finally settling on this title.  It seems to best express who I am and where I've been.  I am not valuable because of who I am but because of who He is.  I have one of those personalized necklaces that are so popular right now.  It has a charm with my son's initial, a charm with my husband's and my initials, and a charm with a Bible verse on it.

The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him.  -Lamentations 3:25

I've decided that I'm not going to worry about my lack of grammatical knowledge or my tendency to ramble on or bounce around randomly.  That is the way I think, after all.  I'm just going to write what's on my mind and in my heart and put it out there.  My prayer is that God will take my imperfect words and use them for His glory, whether that means blessing me through the creative release of writing or blessing anyone who may choose to read my words.  I don't feel "good enough" to write publically.  There, I've said it.  But the beauty of knowing who I am in Christ is that I don't have to be good enough.  In fact, I never will be good enough and neither will anyone else.  But He is and He loves me.  And you.  And that is enough. 

I hope you have a wonderful day.  I certainly am.  My day-long headache from yesterday is gone.  It's 72 degrees and cloudy with a gentle, cool breeze floating through my open windows.  A bit about me -- I love cloudy, rainy days -- I'm strange that way (don't worry - I also love sunny days).  I'm meeting some friends for lunch at Cafe Chocolate (the name says it all).  I'll wrap things up by taking my son and his best friend swimming at a wonderful indoor pool near our home.  I'm going to enjoy every moment of this day and tomorrow I'll go for my biopsy and await the results.  Hopefully by the end of the week I'll know what the coming months hold but for now I'll rest safely in His arms.